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The Marshall Mathers LP

The Kids

Eminem The Kids - The Marshall Mathers LP
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And everyone should get along
Okay, children, quiet down, quiet down
Children, I'd like to introduce
our new substitute teacher for the day
His name is Mr. Shady
Children, quiet down please
Brian, don't throw that (shut up)
Mr. Shady will be your new substitute
While Mr. Kaniff is out with pneumonia
(he's got AIDS)
Good luck Mr. Shady

Hi there, little boys and girls (fuck you)
Today we're gonna to learn
how to poison squirrels
But first, I'd like you
to meet my friend Bob (huh?)
Say hi, Bob (hi, Bob) Bob's thirty
and still lives with his mom
And he don't got a job
'cause Bob sits at home and smokes pot
But his twelve-year old brother looks up
to him an awful lot
And Bob likes to hang out
at the local waffle spot
And wait in the parkin'
lot for waitresses off the clock
When it's late and the lot gets dark
and fake like he walks his dog
Drag 'em in the woods and go straight
to the chopping blocks (ah)
And even if they escaped
and they got the cops
The ladies would all be so afraid
they would drop the charge
'Til one night Mrs. Stacey went off the job
When she felt someone grab her whole face
and said not to talk
But Stacey knew it was Bob
and said knock it off
But Bob wouldn't knock it off 'cause he's crazy
and off his rocker
Crazier than Slim Shady is off the vodka
You couldn't even take him
to Dre's to get Bob a doctor
He grabbed Stace'
by the legs as chopped it off her
And dropped her off in the lake
for the cops to find her
But ever since the day
Stacey went off to wander
They never found her
and Bob still hangs at the waffle diner
And that's the story of Bob
and his marijuana
And what it might do to you
So see if the squirrels want any
it's bad for you

See children, drugs are bad
(come on)
And if you don't believe me, ask your dad
(ask him man)
And if you don't believe him, ask your mom
(that's right)
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time
(she will)
So kids, say no to drugs (that's right)
So you don't act like everyone else does
(uh-huh)
Then there's really nothin' else to say
(sing along)
Drugs are just bad, okay?

My penis is the size of a peanut
have you seen it?
Fuck no, you ain't seen it
it's the size of a peanut (huh?)
Speakin' of peanuts
you know what else is bad for squirrels?
Ecstasy is the worst drug in the world
If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it
Kids, two hits will probably drain
all your spinal fluid
And spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back
So don't get attached
it'll attack every bone in your back
Meet Zach, twenty-one years old
After hangin' out with some friends
at a frat party, he gets bold
And decides to try five
when he's bribed by five guys
And peer pressure will win every time
you try to fight it
Suddenly, he starts to convulse
and his pulse goes into hyperdrive
And his eyes roll back in his skull
His back starts to
look like the McDonald's Arches
He's on Donald's carpet
layin' horizontal barfin'
And everyone in the apartment starts
laughin' at him
"Hey Adam, Zach is a jackass, look at him"
'Cause they took it too
so they think it's funny
So they're laughing at basically nothing except
maybe wasting his money
Meanwhile, Zach's in a coma, the action is over
And his back and his shoulders hunched up
like he's practicin' yoga
And that's the story of Zach, the ecstasy maniac
So don't even feed that to squirrels class
'cause it's bad for you

See children, drugs are bad (that's right)
And if you don't believe me
ask your dad (that's right)
And if you don't believe him
ask your mom (you can)
She'll tell you how she does
'em all the time (she will)
So kids, say no to drugs (smoke crack)
So you don't act like everyone else does
(that's right)
Then there's really nothin' else to say
(but um)
Drugs are just bad, okay?

And last but not least
one of the most humongous
Problems among young people today
is fungus
It grows from cow manure
they pick it out, wipe it off
Bag it up, and you put it right
in your mouth and chew it
Yum, yum, then you start
to see some dumb stuff
And everything slows down
when you eat some of 'em
And sometimes you see things
that aren't there (like what?)
Like fat woman in G-strings with orange hair
(Mr. Shady, what's a G-string?) It's yarn, Claire
Women stick 'em up their behinds
go out and wear 'em (huh?)
And if you swallow too much
of the magic mushrooms
Whoops, did I say magic mushrooms?
I meant fungus
Your tongue gets all swol' up
like a cow's tongue (how come?)
'Cause it comes from a cow's dung (gross)
See drugs are bad, it's a common fact
But your mom and dad
know that's all that I'm good at (oh)
But don't be me
'cause if you grow up and you go and O.D.
They're gonna come for me
and I'ma have to grow a goatee
And get a disguise and hide
'cause it'll be my fault
So don't do drugs, and do exactly as I don't
'Cause I'm bad for you

See children, drugs are bad (come on)
And if you don't believe me
ask your dad (put that down)
And if you don't believe him
ask your mom (you can ask)
She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time
(and she will)
So kids, say no to drugs (say no)
So you don't act like everyone else does
(like I do)
Then there's really nothin' else to say
(that's right)
Drugs are just bad, okay?

Come on children, clap along (shut up)
Sing along, children
(suck my motherfuckin' dick)
Come on, clap along
Drugs are just bad, drugs are just bad
(South Park is gonna sue me)
So don't do drugs
(kiss my motherfuckin' ass)
So there'll be more for me
(hippie, goddammit)
(Mushrooms killed Kenny)
Uh, the fart button's on (eww, ahh)
(So, fucked up, right now)